I’ve been sick for the last three days or so. Nothing especially bad, but my body is more sore than usual, I feel like I can’t breathe, and I spent most the day fatigued sitting curled up in my recliner listening to podcasts on a low volume to avoid my headache growing into a migraine. I imagine starting a project while you’re sick probably isn’t the wisest decision, but I generally need something to breakdown my anxieties to actually do something like this. I feel like there’s a lot of arrogance involved in writing, especially on the internet where it seems there’s a ton of people who don’t know anything acting like they do. I do know my life, so I’m hoping that will keep me confident enough to continue posting, but I’m ignorant to what my position really is in the world and feel a little bit arrogant speculating about that. Outside of being sick, or in spite of maybe, I continue having to work. I’m a caregiver to an adult with developmental disabilities which allows me to work at home, so working while ill isn’t much of a problem for me. I do still have to manage meals, clean, and generally keep the home of person with a disability running smoothly.
One advantage of being sick is that I’ve managed to have no interest in the news for three days. I’m an addict though, so I have managed to keep track of Trump’s tweets about him winning the popular vote in the face of all the evidence. I suppose the reason I continue to live a banal life in the face of someone as shallow and weak minded as a person who would send those tweets winning is that I don’t know what to do. I’ve signed petitions about Bannon and Sessions, I’m writing this now which hopefully will be on some level useful, but ultimately there doesn’t seem like much you can do. I woke up this morning feeling ill, with a sore jaw from grinding my teeth, thinking about health insurance. Tom Price is Trump’s nominee for Health an Human Services, so my health insurance, a subsidized plan bought on the exchanges, is in jeopardy. I don’t know if my illness is related to waking up thinking about health insurance, but it’s hard to think it’s not. Still though, I got up and made coffee because this morning I had to do some work early in the morning. The guy I care for had a dentist appointment and I had to ensure that he made it to the appointment. That’s the discordant part of all of this. I woke up anxious about my health insurance, I hear about racists in the cabinet and feeling empowered to harass and attack people, I see all the evidence about Trump’s conflicts of interest and obvious eventual deep corruption, but ultimately I still have to work. I still need money for rent, I still have to eat, and that means putting those fears into the back of my mind so I can work. Whether it feels normal or not I’m living as though things are normal. Tonight, for instance, I’m going to make pizza for dinner. Pizza is a hobby so I make my own dough and sauce, grate cheese, and hand stretch the dough, then I sit back and watch television while I eat. Despite all of Trump’s evils I’m going to be eating pizza and watching television tonight, that doesn’t necessarily feel right but it’s what I’m going to do and I imagine you’ll be doing something similar.